Love Learnings

I have never been given such beautiful flowers before- the sheer size, explosive colours and form reminds me of fireworks. My home was already quickly filling with the scent of the bouquet when I opened the note that contained two lines:

All things mellow in the mind
A slight of hand, a trick of time

I was confused. Where was Co-Primary going with this? I considered waiting until he woke up on his side of the world to ask. Luckily, patience is not my forte, and I can recognize a thread wanting to be followed. My love knows me, he knows me well; the bliss of discovery was part of his gift .

The first step led me to the following photograph by Duane Michal:

I will type the poem out for you:

All things mellow in the mind
A sleigt of hand, a trick of time
And even our great love will fade
Soon we’ll be strangers in the grave
That’s why this moment is so clear
I kiss your lips and we are here
So let’s hold tight and touch and feel
For this quick instant
We are real
– Duane Michals

Next step: Allow my breath to be taken away for the second time since opening the bountiful delivery that was teeming with sensory stroking full-bodied properties. I sat with the poem for awhile. The first reading was a love letter to me, the second reading was a testament of us. The third moved my body with the immaterial…he listened to me. My existentialist mid-life ramblings like a broken pitching machine facing a hot-headed ego- he allowed it to run its course knowing I may go back for another go. After I was gone, he collected my thoughts and pieces, handed it back with flowers, art, and words that spoke like a manual to decipher what I was feeling.

I do like research, so I kept going. The artist described the piece as a:

“traditional momento mori…which illustrated my awareness of being and not being. It is about youth, our illusion of permanence, and our unawareness of the moment of now, which is all there will ever be”. (Zaka & Suler, 2018)

My bouquet was transcending my initial interaction with it. Inserted into the oasis was concepts of impermanence, appreciation, deep beauty…the energy of the union and collaboration in every moment. He was sleeping across the waters, on the far end of another continent and yet he was and is with me.

Roaming further, I follow an aging Michals. He offers counsel to an aging me (and you).

”But that’s terribly exciting, letting go of all the old rules. What I took from surrealism was contradiction. Walt Whitman said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.” My advice to anybody, even to myself, is to contradict”. (Spitz, 2011)

Instinctively, I want to pour a glass of wine in memory of Michals, pull one of the flowers and offer it up to the artist, who entered my life as a birthday present.

Turns out, raising a glass in his memory would have been premature. I gave one final nudge. Based on his age when interviewed for the 2011 article, I assumed he had passed on; in fact, Michals is very much alive. Further revelation, He was not much older than I am now when he created “All things mellow in the mind”. Momento Mori, indeed…so easy to think that the sand may be emptying at this stage in life.

So the thread leads back to him, he who is asleep as I write this. His care, patience, and love made the previous 12 months among the most transformative of my life. Time may be said to heal all things, but time that is saturated with love is a conception; it resurrects, recreates, takes one to an internal home, releases a person beyond the limitations that have been horded with living a life.

Time washed with love encourages learning from yesterday, it savors the day, it arouses belief in tomorrow. THIS is the gift he gave me, he is just so powerfully beautiful that he wrapped it up in flowers, art, and poetry.

Works Cited

Spitz, J. (2011). Duane Michals is Wondering. ISO Magazine, (Spring), 8-9.

Zakia, R. D., & Suler, J. R. (2018). Perception and imaging: Photography–a way of seeing. New York: Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group.

Romance was something I took for granted. It took moving across the world and being in an intercultural marriage to magnify how it was something significant and needed in my life. As a generalization, romance, where I live, is very practical- it is something done before marriage. After the ring is slipped on the finger and the union is legally binding, the demonstrative accouterments of love quickly drop. Historically speaking, that was the natural way of things- romance was the bait to snag marriage. Marriage was a merger that fulfilled one or some purpose related to an economic, political, social, and/or reproductive telos. My Primary tells me he always has and continues to be satisfied in our relationship while I have expressed for a long time that I was dissatisfied. I have tried to convince myself that our life together was enough and that I should act as the “ideal” wife but failed. Of course, I failed, culture can inform what fulfills us and brings happiness and we were reading from different manuals for very different concepts.

In her book Happily Ever After: The Romance Story in Popular Culture (2016), Catherine M. Roach asserts that “happiness and fulfillment, American pop culture’s resounding answer is through the narrative of romance, sex, and love.” Further, romance stories provide guidelines to how relationships should be and is a compelling narrative dictating (North) American culture.

These scripted guidelines clarify my predicament; I thought I was tougher and beyond romance. Romance has never been an appealing genre for me; it seemed shallow, unnecessary, and demeaning for women. Yet suddenly, for the first time in my four+ decades of existence, I am like a cartoon character who has heart-shaped pupils boinging out of their sockets with a valentine shaped ticker that is bursting forth from my chest. I am in a constant state of liquifying when I am with Co-Primary. If he is in sight, I can’t find an edge to make rough if I tried. His love makes me soft, safe, and shapeless. I love loving him, and I love feeling loved by him. Our relationship is so satisfying that it calms me, makes me feel secure, makes every day special, and gives me something to look forward to. I write this and am rolling my eyes at myself; this love has transformed me into food adjectives: flakey, corny, cheesy. And I am enjoying every minute of it! The romance script with Co-Primary can be viewed as a shared precept that reflects where we are both from (we grew up remarkably close to each other), it is powerfully attractive due to a common ideal. It speaks to me in my emotional language.

Culture and Romance Scripts: My discord is real. Romance expectations vary from individual to individual, but even more so when cultural conventions are so diametrically different. My Primary is a generous, kind, hard-working partner. Culturally speaking, he has performed his romance script flawlessly. His action of being a good provider for his family is the dominant narrative in this traditional, patriarchal society I live in; thus, he has done what was expected. I am the reprobate by not accepting the script of the society I live in- I couldn’t adjust to the culture, I wanted a career, wanted to be partners in running the home, have support when I asked and not be the only child-caregiver. Besides, I wanted him around and to be a BFF. In other words, I wanted something beyond the practical. Being with Co-Primary suggests that the something more is contained in my culture romance scripts. I know that I have expected too much from one person, and it may be something fed to me from the notes of Americana.

At first consideration it would be easy to clump English speaking western cultures together when it comes to ideas of romance narratives; however when McAlister (2018) compared love scripts in Australian and American media by analyzing episodes of the Bachelor and Bachelorette she found American scripts had lofty, result-driven goals- everything happened with extravagance and speed- the “happy-ever-after.” In contrast, the Australian version of the same show suggested that Aussies were practical and wanted a “happy-for-now.” Those can be some challenging, contrasting expectations to handle within two comparable cultures. Language may be a commonality, but when timing first kisses, sexual consummation, and marriage proposals- the two attitudes can lead to misunderstandings and assumptions. Now imagine how much more pronounced the differences would be with a couple whose cultures are antithetical on pretty much every cultural dimension. That would be Primary and me for the past two decades- a lot of misunderstanding, so much butting heads. Enter frame-breaking Co-Primary, and it feels like I am literally on the same page as somebody. It is so easy with him, and I want to figure out why. Where can I read my romance script? Pop music and Disney are a good start as with many North American girls, they were high influencers during my formative years. 

My love is like a Backstreet Boy song: First, lets talk about music because I find myself increasingly taking trips down musical lanes with Co-Primary. Thinking about all-boy bands certainly gives me a chance to explore what I am attracted to, as Brabazon (2004) explains, such groups contribute to a young girl’s construction of sexuality and self. Music’s impact on growth and shaping of humans is not limited to young girls. Clarke et al. (2015) state: 

For many people, involvement with music can be among the most powerful and potentially transforming experiences in their lives. At the same time, there has been increasing interest in music’s communicative and affective capacities, and its potential to act as an agent of social bonding and affiliation.

          The charm of cute, all-guy crooners for a heterosexual female is easy to imagine. Like playing cards of ideal partners- friends each divvy up the musicians, reduces to the one person, who exemplifies all you find attractive, even better you believe you are special andhe is singing and writing just for you. Korean and Japanese entertainment agents have exploited this desire male and females have for a fictional ideal image of a partner who identifies with who we are as individuals. Some, like Japanese all-female musical act AKB47, have dozens of members to cater to all attraction preferences of their audience. One danger is if this curated image (whether by a consultant or in our minds), creates an unrealistic model of love and partnership and prevents the development of realistic, healthy relationships. Personally, due to commentary on lack of relationships and the perversion I have seen in objectifying girls and women, I have seen it primarily as a hazard until I was talking to Co-Primary the other day. I said something that sounded like a line in a Backstreet Boys song, which led to me mumble-sing it, which in turn made me pop it up on YouTube for a fix of the tune. As I listened to it and looked over at him, I realized how Co-Primary makes me feel love in a way that many young starry-eyed youths yearn for. It is a love that I never thought existed in real life. This type of love is reserved for the storytelling realm, meaning entertainment with some learnings to be mined from within it. And so, it hit me; it is both real and scripted- we have a socio-cultural understanding conveyed through music.

Let’s look at this through a couple of studies. Driessen et al (2016) concluded in their research about aging fans of Boyzone that this continuing connection to the music of their youth assists in acknowledging change and also reveals significant personal memories. Our shared music expresses a similar framework about fundamental topics like love, defined by place and time. Likewise, it is a shared starting point to observe where our lives have taken us. Clarke et al. (2015) concluded their survey of studies entitled Music, Empathy, and Cultural Understanding with:

A common thread that runs through most of these positions is the central role of embodiment in empathy. From the most neuroscientifically reductionist approach (e.g., a ‘fundamentalist’ mirror neuron perspective) to the position of Smith or Stokes, a capacity to feel the situation of another underpins the inter-subjective character of empathy/fellow-feeling/sympathy. And arguably it is in this respect that music has ‘special properties.

 It is easy to see how profoundly fulfilling these romantic scripts are for two middle-aged adults who have experienced the inevitable knocking around by life. In essence, it serves as a similar grounding of expectations and desires and also offers a shared, felt language of comfort for each other that takes little explanation.

Disney-scripted. Disney has been adjusting the romance script for each American generation for the past few decades. The Disney zeitgeist of my youth was one that straddled the earlier model of the protagoness (yes, I just coined that) with fighting to become a full-fledged protagonist. The protagoness was a domestically concerned, competent caregiver figure whose heroism played back-up singer to the male hero. The nineties is when evidence of female characters such as Belle, and Ariel began to rebel and fight for their own agency. Wood, in 1994, paints a picture of the gender difference media was projecting for young North Americans of my generation:

White males make up two-thirds of the population. The women are less in number, perhaps because fewer than 10% live beyond 35. Those who do, like their younger and male counterparts, are nearly all white and heterosexual. In addition to being young, the majority of women are beautiful, very thin, passive, and primarily concerned with relationships and getting rings out of collars and commodes. There are a few bad, bitchy women, and they are not so pretty, not so subordinate, and not so caring as the good women. Most of the bad ones work outside of the home, which is probably why they are hardened and undesirable. The more powerful, ambitious men occupy themselves with important business deals, exciting adventures, and rescuing dependent females, whom they often then assault sexually; males were seen as powerful, financially successful, intelligent, rational, tough, whereas women were passive, irrational, helpless  I see that script in my choices, I tend to go for the emotionally strong, somewhat stoic, wise man. The provider. The successful man- that somewhat fits the bill of what a prince is.(p.g.31)

Of course, I play right into it. I tend to go for the emotionally strong, somewhat stoic, wise men. The provider. The partner who is successful. A prince who will always be more competent, and superior than I. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone any inner damsel in distress, so cross that thought out before it pops in anyone’s head. Moreover, the two men I am in love with are not of archaic mindset- there is not a male-chauvinistic bone in their bodies. These guys are incredibly open, loving, brilliant, and cheerleaders of me. This is more about my inclinations and expectations and their scripted origins. It is just that Co-Primary makes me feel like a Disney princess, and I LOVE IT. Come to think of it, he makes me feel like a Disney prince, too. It has been a game-changer as far as my mental health goes. The deep satisfaction in how we demonstrate our love is exciting, loving, connecting. Whether I like it or not, my love is somewhat scripted and informed by my culture and media, my life and experience are what has made it my own. Time proves that these ideals in the script can be genderless. To be honest with you, most of my friends- regardless of what gender they identify with, are gorgeous, healthy, emotionally strong, wise, intelligent, successful, caring, providers, and are powerful in their own right. Scripts are not sclerotic, accordingly should not be feared or denied their dynamic properties.

Romance offers adventure, intense emotion, and the possibility of finding a perfect mate. Intimacy promises deep communication, friendship, and sharing that will last beyond the passion of new love. (McAlister, 2018). 

The biggest takeaway for me while writing this post is that both romance and intimacy are essential. Romance seemed scripted, silly, and counter-intuitive to my ideas of being a woman. I have felt guilty enjoying romance like I am single-handedly hauling the women’s movement back behind the white picket fences of the ’50s. But romance is important and salient to who we are as individuals and how we navigate love relationships. As we age, romance doesn’t need to be dropped; instead, it can be picked up as a tool of empowerment and celebration of existence through its ability to offer excitement and hope.

Clarke, E., Denora, T., & Vuoskoski, J. (2015). Music, empathy and cultural understanding. Physics of Life Reviews, 15, 61–88. doi: 10.1016/j.plrev.2015.09.001

Driessen, Simone & Jones, Bethan. (2016). Love Me For A Reason: An Auto-ethnographic Account of Boyzone Fandom. Journal of the International Association for the Study of Popular Music. 6. 68-84. 10.5429/2079-3871(2016)v6i1.5en. 

McAlister, J (2018) What we talk about when we talk about love: declarations of love in the American and Australian Bachelor/ette Franchises, Continuum, 32:5, 643-656, DOI: 10.1080/10304312.2018.1500523

Roach, C. M. (2018). Happily ever after: the romance story in popular culture. Bloomington: Indiana University Press.

Wood, Julia T. 1994. Gendered Media: The Influence of Media on Views of Gender.Chapter 9 in Gendered Lives: Communication, Gender and Culture. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth

 

My answer may be found in the Japanese proverb 塵ちりも積つもれば山やまとなる ( chiri mo tsumoreba yama to naru ), translated it means: dust if piled can become a mountain. So what is the question? It is “How do I accept the past to re-fall in love with my Primary (husband) in a way that is deep, sincere, and respectful? That reflective query came to the forefront as I went through 20 Questions for Looking into your Relationship from Thich Nhat Han’s book How to love (2016). First submitted was, “Are you in love?”. I promptly floundered trying to answer that. Well, I love him but “in”? What is held in the “in”.

A Mountain of a problem. My Co-Primary is so easy to love/understand/communicate with  (I will need to write a post explaining my choice of terms in my polyamorous-polyfildelity relationship but for now, know that I mean he is my other partner); anyhow, I whizzed down the list when applying the questions to my relationship with him. But applied to my darling Primary, it didn’t get any easier with the following questions:

After a struggle to answer these, my conclusion was that singular question: How do I accept the past to re-fall in love with him in a way that is deep, sincere, and respectful? With a bonus realization, that it is hard to fall “in” love with him because we had a beast of a mountain made of our life-experience obstructing the “in”. I do want to be able to practice abundant love with both of my partners, but in actuality it isn’t even close to being equal.  

Dust if piled can become a mountain: The concept behind this proverb is familiar for most- think of it as the material representation of baby steps. Each tiny effort and act  accumulates to something bigger. Figuratively, dust can be seen as undesirable, annoying like the feeling of doing a repetitive, painfully mundane action to achieve a goal, or can even turn aggressive and become a tool of destruction. Yet, it can also be the tiny, sweet nothings that eventually add-up to something of worth. Regardless of the emotions and meanings attached to each speck, it is these tiny elements that create the powerful whole that will become “us”. 

The Composition of my Mountains. My Primary and I have a mountain created with a lot of undesirable content like each time I have yelled, had a breakdown, been demanding, or didn’t pull my weight, and each time he has fallen asleep in front of the couch, prioritized company over family, or gotten drunk and made me panic if he was going to come home alive. That can be an ugly mountain to live on or want as a view. My Co-Primary and I- we know better; our hill (not yet a mountain) is being informed by half a lifetime. So when selecting what to drop on the pile that is becoming our mountain, sadness, anger, insecurities…all those vices in each are not scrapped but handled with open communication, compassion, and wisdom. We effortlessly seem to be creating a solid, exceptional future that reflects the gifts that we have now. 

Learnings: Back to the question “How do I accept the past to re-fall in love with my primary in a way that is deep, sincere, and respectful?” Honestly, I don’t know if I can salvage the mountain we have made, perhaps we need another place to build-up. A foothill of “us”. We can’t deny the painful past but we can create something with a larger ratio of goodness from both of us. From this new vantage point we can embrace each other and learn to look at this beast that holds the expectations, disappointments, anger we have willingly left behind. With acceptance and forgiveness we may be able to learn to live peacefully next to it.

In How to Love, Hanh offers strategies when selecting the the specks and designing our second-pile of experience:

1. Choose to grow and care for the goodness we see in each other. Currently, I am myopic towards the negative traits in him that drive me crazy. There are certain things that will likely never change so I may as well stop watering the weeds and give the good-stuff a chance to repopulate our relationship.
2. Be a compassionate listener. I fly off the handle with certain triggers. I need to list these triggers to prepare myself for when they present themselves and apply curiosity and listening to unpack it and make them innocuous again. The result is when they do present themselves, they will be harmless guests, a tad annoying but they don’t ruin the party.
3. Recognize how I have been complacent and “be a friend to myself”, be a compassionate listener to myself and identify the expectations that I need to let go of and not take with me to our new spot.
4. Friends and support are “roots” that will keep our new place solid. Co-Primary is wonderful for this. We have done so well with the mountain we are creating that he enlightens us to what material Primary and I need to rebuild with. Co-Primary happens to always be an advocate of my formal marriage. He understands Primary and has a way of keeping me realistic and grounded during episodes that would have me raging. Further, we can also connect with our mutual community of friends around us. That is easier said than done considering he lives far from me and I only see him for 36 hours every couple of weeks but  intentionally blessing our second-place with laughter and love whenever we can is worth a try.
5. Take special care of the volitions and thoughts we will include. Also ensure that the new spot is created with beauty that addresses all the sense, and that the environment is transparent and healthy. This means starting today, I will add to our pile by placing in good words and positive conscience. Start with “I love you” and “ I thank-you” to see what natural positive discourse follows.   

Polyfidelity is a new experiment for me, but I want to love more and better. Primary deserves so much more love than I am currently giving. I am having trouble providing  affection and kindness due to built up anger, disappointment and resentment. On the other hand, I love almost everything about mine and Co-Primary’s relationship…he has resurrected me and has allowed me to enjoy love in a way I never have. For me Polyamory equates with abundant love and that is what I ultimately want. For now it is utilitarian because of circumstance of distance, careers, and children; but, there is also an excitement in having no rules. The three of us can curate a life that is special, meaningful and lovingly expansive that bulldozes through social constructs- a range that looms over and shadows everyone’s landscape.

Hanh, T. N. (2016). How to love. Berkely, California: Parallax Pr.